I decided that I needed to buy a cute new skirt. I have a couple cute skirts, but they are all black or short. I wanted something longer with some color and as I have a wedding to go to this Saturday I decided that this would be an excellent excuse. So I went
shopping. Now I gained Fifty pounds about 1 year ago and I went up a couple of sizes when that happened. Before I got sick I carried my weight well, but after I stopped being physically active I starting to get flab everywhere and I went up another size. So this means I am now in the plus sizes and things don't look as nice as they once did. I went somewhere and tried on a dress that was really cute. I just don't think it looked it that cute on me. I went to a couple of stores and I decided that the bigger the clothes get, the uglier they tend to be. Maybe its just me, but I thnk the less I cute I get the cuter my clothing needs to be...
I found a skirt like I wanted and now all I need to do is find a blouse I like... but something occured to me while I was looking in the big dressing room mirror. If the wedding had been for friends of mine I might have bought the dress even if the arm flab was a little too obvious in it. After all who cares about upper arm flab and my spare tire (or two). But the wedding was not my friends. Its my boyfriends friends. And for some reason arm flab has taken on a whole new dimension with different sets of people.
When I my muscle started turning to flab my boyfriend did notice- he asked me once If I was getting bigger, and I said yes... I didn't have the strength to work out anymore. He said that it made sense and kissed my big fat belly and that was that. But hes wonderful. I suppose I shouldn't care what his friends think... but I do now. I was flipping through old pictures the other day from fifty pounds ago. When I looked in the mirror today I saw a different girl. Her body shape had changed, her face was a lot heavier, and where before she had just looked larger, she now looked fatter, and I had to look again to see myself beneath the flesh.
I'm in physical therapy twice a week and I'm growing stronger very slowly. My doctor says I probably have chronic fatigue syndrome so I can't expect things to happen too quickly. I keep a food diary and am going to start slowing reducing the calorie intake. I don't like that people might not see because the fat is in the way. I know the people who truly care about me don't see me in terms of size. They care about me for who I am. But I can't stand the thought that people I am just now meeting wouldn't see me.
Maybe I am exagerating. Perhaps a bit of flab, is just that, a bit of flab. I don't look myself anymore though... I want my old life and my old body back. I just don't know if I can have it. I used to think that luck was getting what I wanted, but now I know that luck is wanting what I can have.